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The Selfishness of Others: An Essay on the Fear of Narcissism Paperback – Aug. 16 2016

by Kristin Dombek (Author)

4.2 111 ratings

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They're among us, but they are not like us. They manipulate, lie, cheat, and steal. They are irresistibly charming and accomplished, appearing to live in a radiance beyond what we are capable of. But narcissists are empty. No one knows exactly what everyone else is full of--some kind of a soul, or personhood--but whatever it is, experts agree that narcissists do not have it.

So goes the popular understanding of narcissism, or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). And it's more prevalent than ever, according to recent articles in The New York Times, The Atlantic, and Time. In bestsellers like The Narcissism Epidemic, Narcissists Exposed, and The Narcissist Next Door, pop psychologists have armed the normal with tools to identify and combat the vampiric influence of this rising population, while on websites like narcissismsurvivor.com, thousands of people congregate to swap horror stories about relationships with "narcs."

In The Selfishness of Others, the essayist Kristin Dombek provides a clear-sighted account of how a rare clinical diagnosis became a fluid cultural phenomenon, a repository for our deepest fears about love, friendship, and family. She cuts through hysteria in search of the razor-thin line between pathology and common selfishness, writing with robust skepticism toward the prophets of NPD and genuine empathy for those who see themselves as its victims. And finally, she shares her own story in a candid effort to find a path away from the cycle of fear and blame and toward a more forgiving and rewarding life.

Print length

160 pages
Language

English
Publication date

Aug. 16 2016
Dimensions

16.05 x 1.12 x 20.29 cm
ISBN-10

0865478236
ISBN-13

978-0865478237
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Review

“[The Narcissism of Others] is dense with information, but light on its feet. In seven chapters, Dombek turns over a topic that is big and slippery, trendy and hoary, thorny and funny: the charge of narcissism, as it appears in literature (Ovid, Freud) and the Literature (Alice Miller, Donald Winnicott, Otto Kernberg); on reality television (MTV’s ‘My Super Sweet 16’) and the internet (soupy self-help sites) . . . [Dombek’s] stories really land.”
―Gemma Sieff, The New York Times Book Review

"Sharply argued, knottily intelligent, darkly funny"
―Jennifer Schuessler, The New York Times

“Is excessive self-love a scourge of the 21st century? Dombek, a wonderfully nuanced essayist, takes on our collective egotism in this piercing and surprisingly funny book.”
―O, The Oprah magazine

“I read this book in a day―spellbound, blinded even to my own reflection in the darkened subway windows―and I was grateful it was so compelling, because I was already impatient for everyone else I knew to read it, too. Kristin Dombek’s soul-stethoscope is wholly her own, an instrument of precision and tender curiosity.”
―Leslie Jamison, author of The Empathy Exams

“When it comes to the vital essayistic subject of What It’s Like to Be Alive in Our Time, Kristin Dombek is one of the smartest and most thoughtful writers out there. Her work is always considered, erudite, savvy, personal, and wide-ranging. She really took one for the team by doing a whole book on narcissism―an occasion for gratitude and celebration.”
―Elif Batuman, author of The Possessed

“The Selfishness of Others is the strangest and most wonderful book I’ve read this year. It sees with visionary clarity in muddy waters. Love, hatred, the Internet, psychology, egotism―it plunges us into their mysteries. A tour de force and a masterpiece of comic intellect.”
―Mark Greif, author of The Age of the Crisis of Man

About the Author

Kristin Dombek is an essayist and a cultural journalist. She has published essays in The New York Times Magazine, London Review of Books, n+1,and The Paris Review. She received a Rona Jaffe Foundation Writers' Award for Nonfiction in 2013.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ FSG Originals (Aug. 16 2016)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 160 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0865478236
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0865478237
Item weight ‏ : ‎ 113 g
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 16.05 x 1.12 x 20.29 cm

Best Sellers Rank: #638,118 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #605 in Personality Disorders
- #1,656 in The Self, Ego & Personality
- #2,982 in Interpersonal Relations

Customer Reviews:
4.2 111 ratings

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Kristin Dombek

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Kristin Dombek's journalism and essays can be found in The Paris Review, Harper's Magazine, the New York Times Magazine, the London Review of Books, Vice, and n+1, where she writes an advice column called The Help Desk. She has been the recipient of a Rona Jaffe Foundation Writer's Award for nonfiction and an n+1 Writer's Fellowship, and her essays have been anthologized in Best American Essays and elsewhere. She lives in New York City and teaches in the Princeton Writing Program.

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Panda

Best book ever!

Reviewed in Canada on June 9, 2021

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Wow! What a great book! This opened my eyes! I can relate with so much in this book and its really helped understand narcissistic behaviour.

Reviewed in Canada on December 5, 2017

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excellent

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Hirondelle

The Age of Diagnosing Others

Reviewed in the United States on August 24, 2016

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In a world where terms such as "narcissist" are bandied about by every man and woman on the street, this essay brings a needed dose of reality, both as to the difficulty (and rarity) of an accurate DSM V diagnosis and to the thin and contradictory ice upon which the entire constellation of "scientific" subsets is based. It is also a vivid reminder of the industries that grow up around the pop psychology of the day and a window into what we gain for ourselves when we blithely label others in such a manner. Dumbek lays out this cautionary tale by examining the theories, research, and behaviors that gave rise to the category of disorder, without glibly discarding them. My only criticism is that either Dombek or the proofreading of the kindle version was lax in attribution of some of the content. Was this Dombek's opinion? Was it a quote that was printed without quotation marks? Did I just miss a paragraph? A few more transitional sentences would have added clarity. Am I, perhaps, so smart and sensitive that I understood it anyway and anyone who doesn't is a whining narcissists?

18 people found this helpful

John Wynhausen

Fear the Therapist, Pity the Narcissist

Reviewed in the United States on September 14, 2016

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Kristen Dombek writes very thoughtfully and takes on a problem that has grown proportionately with the likes of Facebook and the Internet. The fear of intimacy is widespread and Narcissism is a clear sign of it. The victims of Narcissism are undoubtedly attracted to N's because they find them very attractive and its easy to fantasize about people who seem to be in love with themselves. Call it the mirror of Narcissism. First romance, then "love" then disillusion and hate which is as widespread on the net as porn. What KD does is explore how the label becomes a "red herring" and victims often get duped into letting some expert ( usuallly another victim) do their thinking for them, KD tries to lead us back to the well of our own thinking and for this I am grateful to the author and the resources she provides in this essay.

8 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Thoroughly enjoyable meditation on the modern fear of narcissism

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 14, 2018

Verified Purchase

A highly relevant, critical and tongue-in-cheek examination of narcissism and the fear thereof - via psychotherapy and online and pop-culture.

Benjamin Adams

I highly recommend this entertaining and informative essay

Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2017

Verified Purchase

I highly recommend this entertaining and informative essay. The author provides a thorough-going history of the moralizing obsession with narcissism. She includes the essential introductions from Ovid to Freud, the criticial disagreement point between Kernberg and Kohut, and even the excellent dissenting voice of the late great Rene Girard. She touches on some of the complexities of modern intersubjectivity, and leaves only marginalia unturned (such as affective and attentional theories). This work is essential reading to anyone concerned with a narcissism epidemic or "the kids today." However, expect mixed reviews since in all things psychoanalytical - it is bound to trigger defenses. Hopefully her easily grasped everyman's language and compelling exploration will win out with other readers.

5 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Meditation on modern alienation

Reviewed in the United States on July 8, 2020

Verified Purchase

This is just such a good book.
I imagine some older readers might have an issue with tone, because it is identifiably Millennial. And well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Boomers are the ones who created the modern self-help industry that this book implicitly indicts.
It's a book-length essay, not a book of essays, so the pacing could throw you, depending on your expectations.

4 people found this helpful

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