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Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life Paperback – Sept. 27 2011

by Samhita Mukhopadhyay (Author)

4.1 12 ratings

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Romance and love are in a state of crisis: Statistically speaking, young women today are living romantic lives of all kinds—but they’re still feeling bogged down by social, cultural, economic, and familial pressures to love in a certain way.

Young women in the modern world have greater flexibility than ever when it comes to who we choose to love and how we choose to love them; but while social circumstances may have changed since our parents’ generation, certain life expectations remain.

In Outdated, Samhita Mukhopadhyay addresses the difficulty of negotiating loving relationships within the borderlands of race, culture, class, and sexuality-and of holding true to our convictions and maintaining our independence while we do it. Outdated analyzes how different forms of media, cultural norms, family pressure, and even laws, are produced to scare women into believing that if they don’t devote themselves to finding a man, they’ll be doomed to a life of loneliness and shame.

Using interviews with young women that are living around, between, within, and outside of the romantic industrial complex, Mukhopadhyay weaves a narrative of the alternative ways that women today have elected to live their lives, and in doing so offers a fresh, feminist look at an old topic: How do diverse, independent young women date happily and successfully—and outside of the box?

Print length

240 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Seal Press
Publication date

Sept. 27 2011
Dimensions

13.97 x 1.55 x 20.96 cm
ISBN-10

1580053327
ISBN-13

978-1580053327
See all details

Product description

About the Author

Samhita Mukhopadhyay is a writer, speaker and technologist residing in Brooklyn, NY. She is the Executive Editor of the popular website Feministing.com and is the author of Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life. Mukhopadhyay is also co-host of the podcast Opinionated on Citizen Radio. She has written for multiple outlets including GOOD Magazine, The Nation, The American Prospect, Alternet and the Guardian UK. She has been profiled in The Globe and Mail, The Rumpus, Salon, India Currents Magazine, Nirali Magazine, Brown Girl Magazine, Rabble.ca and on Alternet.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Seal Press (Sept. 27 2011)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 240 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1580053327
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1580053327
Item weight ‏ : ‎ 249 g
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 13.97 x 1.55 x 20.96 cm

Customer Reviews:
4.1 12 ratings

About the author

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Samhita Mukhopadhyay

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Samhita Mukhopadhyay is a writer, editor, speaker, and technologist living in NYC. She is the former Editorial Director of Culture and Identities at Mic and the former Executive Editor of the award-winning blog Feministing.com. She is the co-editor of Nasty Women: Feminism, Resistance and Revolution in Trump's America and author of Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life.

Her writing has appeared in The Nation, The American Prospect, The Guardian, Alternet, Talking Points Memo, New York Magazine, and Al Jazeera.

Mukhopadhyay is a sought after speaker, regularly lecturing at college and universities and at conferences about race, politics, technology, sexuality and feminism. She has keynoted several conferences including South by South West, Netroots Nation and the California Coalition of Sexual Assault Survivors. In 2012, she was chosen as a scholar for the Aspen Ideas Festival. In 2007, she was named a Champion of Sexual Literacy by the National Sexuality Resource Center where she is also a guest lecturer in their prestigious summer institute.

She has a BA from the State University of New York at Albany in Women’s Studies and Sociology and an MA from San Francisco State in Women and Gender Studies where her research focused on the politics of the feminist blogosphere.

Top reviews from other countries

M. Kranz

Fresh and honest reflections for just about anyone

Reviewed in the United States on October 14, 2011

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This book is a really interesting meld of analysis and personal reflection that can probably be a great meditation for just about anyone on the nature of relationships.

The author's starting point is very personal, which one of the other reviewers, for some reason, takes as a weakness. For me, however, this is really helpful and honest. By laying out her perspective and making it clear that relationships are not one-size-fits-all, she really leaves a lot up to the reader in terms of where to go with the information and ideas presented in the book. Further, between the references and endnotes, there are a great many directions to go in terms of further reading. At first, it struck me as a little too academic how many citations there were, but, as I moved forward, I realized it was a way to give the reader the freedom to explore all the sources of the author's analysis and draw her or his own conclusions.

And that's one thing that really impressed me about the book, and sets it apart from other dating books: there's no "answer," strictly speaking. There is a lot of really solid criticism of the sorts of patters we're all trained to follow and how these can stand in the way of authentic relationships, but the reader's intelligence is respected enough to not offer a simple, pat alternative.

On top of it all, I couldn't help but bust out laughing in just about every chapter or subsection. The sarcasm and comedy flowing through what is a really heartfelt and smart book makes some of the hard truths in it (like that there's no easy solution) a little easier to stomach. Even the section titles are great (like "Hopeless Romantic or Glutton for Punishment," which is one of my favorites). That said, I think one of the other reviewers probably took a lot of the humor too seriously, though it's hard to tell since of lot of that reviewer's sentences are hard to decipher.

Finally, as someone who, like most people, hasn't lived a fairy tale, this book actually made me feel a bit hopeful and less alone in my struggle to find and build lasting and loving relationships. Between the humor and insight, there's a lot to gather and I left it feeling refreshed and excited to continue building meaningful relationships with friends and lovers.

16 people found this helpful

Natasha Romanov

Clear, interesting introduction, but lacks depth

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 6, 2012

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This book provides a clear and interesting introduction to the topic of feminism and relationships, but for anyone who is already fairly well-versed in this area, it will feel like going over old ground.

Mukhopadhyay has an engaging writing style that makes this an enjoyable read, and at times she makes some thought-provoking points. It was helpful to read a book directly and solely engaged with the area of love and relationships, as it can be hard to think critically about what appear to be such ingrained, emotional aspects of life.

I will be recommending this book to many of my friends; however I do think that for men and women who already identify as feminists and already know about issues of gender equality and stereotypical representations of gender roles, the majority of this book may simply be telling you what you already know. Only in the last couple of chapters does Mukhopadhyay really discuss what feminists can do to challenge patriarchal ideas and expectations regarding relationships, and her advice essentially boils down to "try and do whatever makes you happy." Good advice, for sure, but I felt a little cheated.

My other criticism is that a lot of her arguments felt like assertions - she had a tendency to make claims such as "we are told time and time again that x is the right way to behave", without necessarily going into depth about how or why we are told to behave in such ways, or providing evidence that this is actually the case. This is perhaps because it seems self-evident, or because such evidence would be almost impossible to provide, but it felt very open to someone simply saying "no we're not". In comparison, Reclaiming the F-Word by Catherine Redfern and Kristin Aune is excellent in its use of specific examples and studies to back up their arguments.

On the whole, this is a good book that I wish more people would read, but for those hoping for an indepth guide or analysis, prepare to be a little disappointed.

2 people found this helpful

Jadore

Drivel

Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2011

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It is obvious society and society's expectations have ruined dating. Feminism is a breakthrough of all those social constructions that we should practice as a feminist, but it is not something we take for granted and abuses it. In this book the author depicted feminist as coldhearted machos who've nothing to lose but everything to gain. But I say it is very smart to speak for oneself and not stuff every feminist in a corner that is constrained with absurd generalization, because most of the points she made are a matter of opinion. Hence, I don't think this book is any different from most of the books the author criticized.

While most of the book discuss great deal of problems we have in a society, the author didn't handle most of the topics very well, but rather she was influenced by her personal experience that lead her to be bias, which might mislead other young readers. Just because she is not married, and because she doesn't take dating seriously, she makes a point where it is ok mimic masculinity-which debunk the whole ideology of feminism in general-rather than seek equality and appropriate manner as a feminist. Isn't that what feminism is all about: having same equality and freedom to choose whatever we want? (I dare say that even people who identify as a feminist sometimes don't "get" it.) Generally speaking, she makes absurd generalizations that aren't even accurate about women's as a whole.

Sometimes the author forget to note that, first, this isn't a religious belief we are talking about; it is a mere lifestyle activism we seek in order to live a fulfilling life. And second, she makes feminism sound like a counterculture movement.

In a way, this book is a public justification for the past misdeeds, and a rebellious and defensive mechanism to hide insecurities. As a feminist, the author and her book should advocate personal choices and respect that instead of taking side of everything that is wrong with this nation and say, "Hey, I am proud of it. So ... why not join me?" That is a total misinterpretation of feminism. She is deluded with everything that is negative about dating, relationship, and feminism, and this book lacks a common ideology of morality and humanity. Willingly, the author prefers to point her fingers at conservatives insinuating they're the causes of this debacle. (Whenever she referred the "conservatives," she hints they are the bad guys. While it is society in general who created all this far-fetched constructions, it seems to me that she is blaming conservatives solely.) Also, a person doesn't have to be anti-feminist to point out all the wrongs of feminism. Feminism isn't always right and it has its own shortcomings, too!

The last chapter is dedicated for other feminist to say what feminism mean to them, and personally, I think a conscious person capable of understanding what is right and wrong, not only in a relationship, but in many aspects of life should be able to make the decisions those feminist made. Feminism can be an inspiration for many, but we don't really need feminism to point out that we deserve the best out of life. We have a brain--ergo, we can identify what is right and wrong.

It is not only the common stereotypical stigmatization of feminism that held most people from identifying as a feminist, but observing how feminist handle/encounter everyday life situations that can either make a person cringe or take a step forward. In this case, I'd say most people are more likely to cringe a lot and avoid feminism as far as they could. This book is biased and gives wrong impression to young readers. And we wonder why some people refrain from identifying as a feminist while all the role models have an amiss ideology of feminism.

Everyone has a right to make a choice to live life their way. If they choose to become housewives, kudos to them, it is their right. If they choose to become a CEO of a well known company, more power to those because that is great. And if people choose to run a life that is full of fun and adventure, go for it. If they choose to live a conservative life, it is their choice once again. That is what feminism is all about: versatility and the ability to respect other's choice and not scorn them for it. What I got from this book was rather an amiss ideology of feminism, sexuality, and amateur observations. The book denies reality and lacks proper principle.

This public justification (book) doesn't live up to its title, but rather it advocates promiscuity and post-feminism delinquency that Ariel Levy condemns in her book and everything that is wrong with this nation. There is no need to justify the irresponsible deeds that one has done and redefine dating as a whole. Sadly, this book doesn't stand out in any way but stays on the same isle with the other self-help dating books. And just because the absurdity of its content is abundant, I am willing to overlook the good points that were made in this book.

12 people found this helpful

Nicole S

Thought provoking and relevant!

Reviewed in the United States on September 24, 2011

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I received my copy a couple days ago and read through it in no time. It is an engaging and approachable read! This book provides a thought-provoking analysis of why the world is such a complicated place to be dating while feminist! Samhita explores many of the ways in which society pressures and influences our ideas around romance, articulates the problems with so many dating books, and articulates connections between romance and oppression. She slays myths about feminism, love, and sex, and validates many ways of approaching love.

At the same time, Samhita manages to balance this with an approachable and candid style that I felt I could relate to well. This is not a simple-to-follow dating self-help book with a formula or a specific end-goal. Rather, it is a look at the way oppression, particularly sexism and heteronomativism shape today's dating landscape that feels conversational and realistic. The book does not end with advice, or a path to follow. Rather, it is a critical look at our world that can inform many different, equally valid, decisions about what is right for each person.

While I found it extremely useful and relatable as a fellow single and dating feminist, I think many young feminists in relationships may also find it worthwhile. Outdated's analysis focuses not only on barriers for single feminists but on the role of oppression within personal relationships and how we can work to have meaningful relationships and communities on our terms. I will definitely be recommending this book to MANY many others! Thank you so much for the wonderful book!

28 people found this helpful

E. Jahneke

I really liked this book

Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2012

Verified Purchase

and found it spot-on with its critique of mainstream dating advice/ breakup books. Only thing is, there were not a lot of descriptions of how to make your own relationships more effective, which is, I suppose, how the restrictive and punishing dating books gained such a toehold on the marketplace...while it's inspiring to feel that you can write your own rules, the scope of possibilities can often seem overwhelming.

One person found this helpful

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