After reading the Author's novel, "I Wish I Might," I was intrigued to read this autobiography of dating life in the 21st Century. It is pretty chaotic, as chaotic as the human heart. Combine dating with a religious quest, and the complications/confusion can be overwhelming.
Several themes emerge from this account of a woman's maturing through several relationships. First is the matter of self-doubt. The Author was at one point over 300 lbs., which severely affected her attractiveness. Eventually she diets and exercises and improves, but the doubts implanted in her self-concept lead her to withdraw from the best times to socialize and meet those who admire her. This issue is almost eliminated by a stomach band but shifts concern to food choice (to avoid sickness) which her self-consciousness magnifies into an issue during dates and social events.
Related to self-consciousness is self-doubt inspired haziness regarding standing with regard to various men. One man offered friendship and spiritual counsel but not romance. The Author spends months expecting things to develop and they do not. Most romance occurs in the ambiguous interactions of social life where signals may be given, withheld, or misunderstood. Learning to signal in this murky social world is challenging.
Another theme, relating to the lack of confidence is the willingness to settle for less, to be the second woman. Feeling unable to attract a suitable date from among the unattached, she is, at first, willing to be the woman available for a spontaneous encounter with guys she knows are otherwise attached. There is great irony here in that she wants to be loved/respected for her whole self, but judges herself according to body-image, but then it is her body that attracts men in these trysts. Several times the Author states that her perspective at the time was, "This is all I can get." The real development in the narrative is the eventual realization of her own worth, and the resolve to save her intimacy for someone of worth.
The religious quest is somewhat muted- more of an interest that develops, a growing desire to learn more (in part to understand other people), and then desire to experience the benefits of faith, coupled with the desire to identify with Christians. It is a journey that turns more on a growing subjective conviction that God exists and has spoken through Christ, than out of a need to have sin forgiven. The moment of coming to faith is more akin to C.S.Lewis walk in the park ("I couldn't tell you exactly when, but all I remember is that when I began that walk, I did not believe in God's existence, and when I completed the walk, I did") than it is to dramatic, life-changing stories one might hear at a revival. However muted, this development of faith does eventually change the Author's life as it changes her outlook.
Some of her relationships had been with professed Christians who compartmentalized there faith. The Catholic who followed fasting customs but allowed himself to sleep with the Author was an example of privatized religion. His religion was very meaningful to him, but he made little effort to share it with his partner or invite her to participate with him, believing that this would manifest implied superiority over, and potential intolerance of others. Another man, a preacher who extolled traditional Christian sexual conduct in his sermons, became available after divorcing his wife, and after a few dates with the Author, would occasionally call her for phone sex. The Author does not express it quite in this way, but woman as virgin or whore (sister or sex-object) seemed to be at play here. It reflects the reality spoken of by St. Paul, pointed out by Martin Luther, that Christians are both saint and sinner in the same person, dealing with contradictory desires, those of prompted by God through our faith, and others prompted by our flesh which is, at its root, selfish. Christians are called to put the latter to death by denying them- not fooling ourselves (psychological denial) but by refusing to yield to them.
And it is selfishness, our Author recognizes, that makes these various relationships fail. Having come to terms with her own expectations and attained better self-awareness, she recognizes why some relationships don't work, or are dead end. Dating a man who is legally blind, holds a job, is "moral" in the conventional sense, and surprisingly cultured, devolves into a helping friendship revolving around his needs, not hers, which she recognizes and ends without rancor or regret.
The final relationship, a friendship with a young admirer of her professional accomplishments which never becomes a romance, convinces the Author that there are good men, who try to live a Christian life in an integrated (rather than bifurcated) manner, worth searching (and waiting) for. This is a hopeful note, not a happy ending.
Reading this narrative was a little like reading some Facebook pages where the jarring photos of the subject in bathing suit and formal wear sit side by side with the conflicting interests and sentiments. Integrity is not a prominent part of 21st Century life, as Henri Nouwen pointed out in his "Wounded Healer." Our mating rituals, meant to restrain human nature, have deteriorated, and only after many bruises of the heart does our Author, reach the point that our parents (or grandparents) tried to persuade us was the proper approach to to the game of romance.
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Top reviews from other countries
"Dr. Z" Richard Zeile
As Chaotic as the Human Heart
Reviewed in the United States on March 22, 2018Verified Purchase
Kathryn
The Dating Struggle is Real
Reviewed in the United States on November 7, 2017Verified Purchase
Amazon Steady Customer
Wasn't my kind of book...but wish Ms. De Pasquale the best on her spiritual journey
Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2014Verified Purchase
Kindle Customer
Honest, Racy, Warm
Reviewed in the United States on March 6, 2014Verified Purchase
Kristin
Wanted to give Lisa a hug while reading (but won't because I also learned she doesn't do hugs well)
Reviewed in the United States on March 3, 2014Verified Purchase
