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4.8 out of 5 stars
4.8 out of 5 stars
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I have been counselling women in abusive relationships for 11 years. Our program does have a lending library and recently ordered this book. It is by far the best book on abusive relationships written for not only survivors of abusive relationships, but also for secondary survivors (family,friends, co-workers), therapists and the general public.
It explains the abusive personality, dispells the myths about abusive men, gives the survivor solid ways to know if he is changing and reasons why he does not choose to change. It also includes reasons not to seek couple counselling, which is something that cannot be stressed enough.
I lend this book to all my clients and encourage them to purchase it.
Excellent resource!!
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on June 7, 2004
After 10 years in an abusive relationship, this book openend up my eyes like no other ever book has. Lundy is a master in explaining what an abusive man does. I am very grateful for this book and his work with men. Thank you Lundy. I recommend this book to everyone who feels abused or unhappy in their relationship. After reading this book I finally understood what had happend to me, why my relationship to my ex-husband (who I still love but choose not to be with)was not good for me because of his abuse. I thought we had a communication problem, but that was not true! He was out to have power over me, that was all. Once I understood what his game is, it was also very important for me to understand why I choose a man that is not capable of true loving, and why I got involved with him. I found that he was a reflection of what I felt about myself. Therefore I recommend you read a book on co-dependency as well. After all - it takes two to tango! I realized I could not blame him for who he was, I had see why I choose him. I pray that I will find a man who is truly capable of loving and respecting me, and that my beloved ex-husband will understand and overcome his pain as well.
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on November 12, 2003
I have been in a marriage less than four years, but it has been up, and down, back and forth the entire time. I kept thinking there is something I could do, something I could say... ANYTHING to help our relationship. All of my time and energy was being drained by my controlling and abusive, and yes, even Cheating husband!! Lundy Bancroft clearly states the 10 signs to look for, to see if he is truly changing. Mine did the first couple.. and then just as Mr. Bancroft mentions will happen, held onto his own sense of entitlement and refused to change any further. Why? Because he thought he could get away with it again! Without this book I would have stayed thinking he was trying to change. NOt anymore! With this book, I could see the abuser needs to take 10 full steps to change and become non controlling!! My Abuser still didn't allow me to be angry at him when he hurt me. Bancroft states that most abusers won't do this. My Abuser still didn't make me his true partner and equal. He acted like giving me just a teeny bit was more than fair, and expected me to believe his point of view. Because of this book I could clearly see that the small changes My husband was making were just that.. Small! And not what is needed for a healthy and real change. Bancroft also states the best way to get an abuser to change is to leave for awhile.. And then if you decide to go back, and he acts controlling again, leave again for a much longer time. It is true, most abusers won't change. I am divorcing my husband after giving him many chances to change and treat me better. This book has been a great relief... I highly recommend it. It says that abusers are not unable to change, they are unwilling to. That pretty much hits the nail on the head!
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on June 18, 2014
OH had I known then, what I know now. I was unaware of my father being an abuser, but as an adult always sought his approval and feared disappointing him, which was and is inevitable. I grew up to marry an abuser and stayed with him for 22 years, always thinking if I changed things would be better. I finally got up the nerve to ask for a separation, but as mentioned in the book suggested it be a temporary situation. Once he was gone, I could breathe like I'd never breathed before... until my dad started to step in again as the self-professed male authority in my life after I made the separation permanent and filed for divorce.. I went on to date two more abusers. I stumbled across this book and found all of the male abusers in my life in it's pages. I am so grateful to have explained to me that it was them, not me who had the problem and that the life with an abuser is not normal... it doesn't go on in everyone's home. This book spoke my unspoken thoughts and dispelled lies that I believed. I am determined to begin living "free to be me" one day at a time. I am so grateful that I happened across this book. It will be an invaluable tool in my future life... I will not be abused again!
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on July 31, 2009
i was recommended this book by my psychologist. at first, i was hesitant to read it b/c i didn't want to spend one more ounce of energy on HIM but since my psychologist said it would help me and i trusted her, i decided to get it at the library. well, i couldn't put the book down and i ended up buying it and received it within a few days. having been in an abusive relationship for almost twenty years, and having been through counselling and the court system and all the ups and downs, having done a lot of research, i thought i wouldn't learn much from reading this book but i was wrong. i read much of the book with my jaws hanging open and head nodding. it was as if he put my experiences and thoughts in writing and it helped me to validate what i had gone through and helped me to reinforce that i wasn't crazy. my ex was arrested for assault years ago and last year was arrested again and this time convicted. i now have two young children in the mix and i have gone through a very very difficult year. my son esp. (now 7yrs) still has issues. not only have we had to deal with the physical, and emotional abuse but also financial, psychological, sexual abuse as well as infidelity, the awful family court system, access issues etc etc. the author has written another book titled "when dad hurts mom" and i have just gotten it from the library and will be reading that. for those of you undecided about purchasing this book, you can see if they have it at your local library first, like i did. i personally feel it is one of those books that should be on your shelf so you can have it to read over and over.
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on September 21, 2003
I'm glad she did. Reading this book has answered so many questions I've had about my abusive husband's actions. How could it be that he loves me so much and yet treat me more like he despises me? How can he be so wonderful, charming, charismatic and abusive? Why does he verbally shred me to bits if I don't comply with his orders? Why does he have to bark orders, can't he understand that asking is much more effective? Why do I have so much fear?
Although I've been separated from my husband for 5 months now, I've been waffling back and forth between feeling like we can work this out and wanting to finalize the divorce. Then I read this book. The more I read, the more I understood and the less I wanted to reconcile. Now I see how lucky I am that I managed to get out safely (with the help of family and a restraining order).
If you are in an abusive relationship or think you might be, get this book. It might be wise to not let him know you have it. Even if you sit in a library or bookstore and just read the descriptions in Chapter 4, it will be helpful.
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on December 11, 2013
I would recommend this book to any woman who is going through turmoil and abuse. It isn't you. It isn't your fault. By reading this book you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel and each day will be better.
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on May 29, 2003
I have been involved in treating and researching spouse abuse since 1982. Not only have I conducted my own research in this field but I have reviewed most of the research published on spouse abuse treatment programs. While many treatments are somewhat effective, nowhere have I seen addressed the core cognitions that drive and perpetuate the aggressor's behavior in the partnership until now. The author has clearly laid out the thoughts and behaviors of the abuser in a way that is helpful not only to partners but also to professionals who have little experience in this area or who have inadvertently committed the errors that the author describes. By far the best book I have read on the subject.
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on August 17, 2016
This book is a must-read and a sanity-saver for any woman who is trying to make sense of her relationship with her spouse. It will give her the conviction that she is not responsible for her spouse's behavior, she has no influence on it, nor on him (no matter how "agreeable" she is), and more importantly, there is nothing wrong with her. The verbal abuser's mind is a twisted labyrinth indeed and the author does an excellent job of exposing it for what it is - a desperate attempt at controlling, bullying, and eventually, destroying his woman's spirit and sense of self-worth.
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on December 2, 2015
After finding myself in a manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship, and managing to get out relatively early, I found this book. It changed how I view my relationships with people. I've been telling all my friends to read it - those who I think are in an abusive relationship, and those who aren't. I feel like it can help everyone to better understand their relationships with others. Fantastic read.
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