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on September 9, 1999
Until several years ago I was relatively shy, and bounced form relationship to relationship. I had a hard time meeting people I liked. The people I did go out with wasted my time.
Then I read this book and did exactly what it said. After several months following the steps in the book, my love-life took off like a flaming rocket. I went out with a different girl every week. I have since gone on to marry, and I enjoy a great relationship with my wife.
Look, I'm not selling the book, but it is one of the texts that have changed my life. If you actually do what the book says, your love-life will change for the better also. I've seen the love-lifes of a couple of friends that I reccomended the book to take off as well.
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on April 20, 2003
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who expect happiness to be handed to them on a silver platter and those who make it happen. Unlike like kooky new age books and dubious pop psych. books that overflow in the self-help sections of book stores, this book is actually based on nearly 30 years of rigorous scientific research that has shown cognitive behavior therapy to be at times even more effective than antidepressant drugs. You cannot argue with science, period.

Some have criticized this book because it insulted their sensibilities; that it presented a scientific view of love, happiness and dating success that is contrary to how they think these things "should" be merely based on second hand opinions, TV movies and mindless talk shows; and Harlequin novels.
Sure, quite often a certain amount of "game playing" is necessary at first in dating. Some dates, for whatever reason, really do test their prospective partners to see how confident and self assured they are, and if you fail their tests then you're outta there. Some may not like to hear that; but that's simply just the way it is. Live with it. You can either do what you've always done and get the same results, or you can read this book and maybe discover how to literally change your world by changing your heart and mind.
This book teaches you what attitudes and behaviors you may have had in the past that were counter productive and how to change them so that you'll be more knowledgeable, confident and successful in the dating world.
It literally teaches you how to empirically prove for yourself that happiness truly literally does come from within, and that simply parroting such happiness phrases without the congruent state of heart and mind within is like reading a book on the piano playing and then claiming that you're a pianist.
So if you truly wish to improve you dating life, set aside whatever overly sensitive sensibilities and preconceived ideas you may have about how dating and romance life "should be" and GET OVER IT! Assume that you know nothing about dating and simply do everything this book tells you to do. Treat it like a scientific experiment, for that's exactly what it is.
Sure, everybody has an opinion, but without empiricism opinions are mere irrelevant armchair philosophizing. Do the work and observe the results then YOU can be the one to speak with authority. All it will cost you is less than ten dollars and a few months of your time. If it doesn't work in your case then you've lost a little money and time, but just imagine how wonderful it could be if it does work. Don't you think you're worth enough for the possiblity to gain so much for such a relatively small expense of time and money?
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on August 13, 2001
David D. Burns, M.D., has been a Clinical Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine since 1995, the same school where he received his M.D. degree in the 1970's. From 1975 to 1995, Dr. Burns served on the clinical faculty of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and served as Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the Presbyterian Medical Center of the University of Pennsylvania Health System. He has also written: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy; The Feeling Good Handbook; and Ten Days to Self-Esteem. He teaches workshops for the public and continuing-education seminars for mental health professionals. He was recently featured in a 90-minute nationally televised PBS program on depression entitled "Feeling Good"....
Though this book is primarily directed at single people struggling to find a compatible mate, I also found it very useful, even though I am happily married, for two major reasons: (a) Loneliness. Dr. Burns believes that loneliness is not a function of who you are with, or not with, but arises out of not treating yourself well and enjoying your own company. Thus, even people who are blessed with a wonderful mate can get lonely from time to time. Dr. Burns shows you how to head off loneliness at its source by building your self-esteem through the technique of treating yourself with care and respect. People who treat themselves badly not only feel badly about themselves, they get very needy. When you are needy, you tend to become very self-centered, and other people very naturally shy away from that. Who wants to be with someone who is clinging to you out of desperation rather than unselfish, generous interest and affection? (b) Distorted Thinking. Dr. Burns says that the way we interpret the actions of the people around us affects how happy or unhappy we are--and how successful we are in getting and keeping close relationships. He provides many simple, practical suggestions for changing negative, irrational thinking so that we can prevent depression, anxiety and general misery both inside ourselves and within our relationships.
I highly recommend this insightful, practical book to people in every type of relationship situation, whether unhappily alone, unhappily together, or happily together and wanting to keep it that way. Dr. Burns's advice can help fix or prevent any relationship problems you might have.
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on June 11, 2001
I've read this book twice. The first time was ten years ago when I was in college and having a lot of anxiety about meeting people. The book made me realize what habits I needed to change and gave a very practical roadmap to changing them, and my love life took off!
Three years ago, I found myself single again and read the book once again, cover to cover. It really helped me bounce back from my breakup, made me realistic about expectations and rejections, and I started an active dating life again.
Despite a few dated references (e.g., negative references to homosexuality) I still think this is a great book for single people looking to date..whether they are gay or straight!
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on October 18, 1998
Dr. Burns finds great ways of taking psychological insight and making it practical and very applicable to anyone. After reading this book I can be alone without feeling lonely. I also greatly enhanced my interpersonal relations as well as I gained insight to my own thoughts and behavior.
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on May 25, 2000
This book details some of the ways a person can overcome problems in finding meaningful relationships. For example, if you are shy, Burns has you do activities that involve you interacting with people. He teaches you how to flirt. His advice is often common sense, for example if you don't bathe or comb your hair very often he tells you to bathe and comb every day. Burns also teaches you ways to set your expectations at realistic levels in order to minimize painful emotional episodes, for example I'm not going to try to date Christie Brinkley, she's "out of my league", so I'm not hurt that she doesn't want to date me. (That's just an example, I do not know her personally, nor have ever asked her out). The only problem with this book is that at times it focuses on shallower aspects of relationships, like flirting, and appearance and gives the reader the impression that he views these aspects as more important. I believe Dr. Burns meant this book to be a basic level guide to relationships, meaning, that he has you concentrate on shallower aspects of relationships in hopes that it will be easier for you to develop more meaningful relationships. The reader should take from this book what he/she needs and drop the rest. For example, I had no problem flirting, so I ignored his pages on that and focused on a couple of other items that he addressed.
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on June 30, 2002
This book is intended for shy and lonely individuals. It focuses on the psychological background of loneliness, shyness and how to make connections with other people. Other aspects of flirting and dating are mentioned (e.g. how to dress, how to initiate a conversation), but not after the reader is familiar with his often distorted thinking processes.
The message is clear: first, you have to really love and accept yourself. Then, you can proceed to getting to know other people more intimately. The book also deals with the not so pleasant aspects of relationships: rejections and fears. Lots of exercises show the reader how to deal with these and other problems.
By and large, a recommendable book!
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on May 12, 2001
Dr. Burns gets to the heart of the matter by developing your self-esteem, self-confidence and resilience to rejection (and you will be rejected) before sending you out into the cruel world of dating. He's not a pop-psychologist, but an M.D. world-renowned in his profession for helping people to overcome the sources of their unhappiness. The book is an easy read, and the advice is down-to-earth, practical and seriously effective. It's also [inexpensive], so do yourself a favor and buy it now!
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on November 14, 2003
Burns' book "Intimate Connections" based on the same cognitive behavior techniques as in "Intimate Connections" did wonders for my dating life.
Sure, it didn't help me find the "ideal compatible mate" for right away. No book could ever do that, and that's not a fair criticism. And to be honest, Burns never onced claimed that his books would help you find the "perfect" mate or indeed perfect anything for that matter.
But CBT helped me to get out there in the dating arena, to not do the things that were self sabotaging and helped me to become more like the person I'd always dreamed of being both in dating and non dating scenarios. And lets face it: you first have to be able to GET dates before you ever stand a prayer of finding an ideal "compatible" mate. To sit around moping that you won't do something until it's "perfect" or be with someone unless they're "perfect" is pretty unrealistic to put it mildly. But it's perhaps explained by what follows:
Burns cites a study in Intimate Connections that showed how depressed people share a trait in common, although to a lesser degree, with the schizophrenic: Both groups tend to not see reality as realistically as the non-depressed and non-schizophrenic. Thus depressed people tend to discount the positives in life about themselves and the world and see things as being much more hopeless and futile than non depressed individuals.
So the point is, if you're depressed and your first impulse is to say that CBT is a bunch of rubbish before you've even given it a try then you may be a victim of those very distorted perceptions that depression causes. Thus you may be depriving yourself of the very thing that might help you.
Consider this: For all you might gain, it seems a very small price to pay indeed: To risk less than eight dollars and possibly have your righteous indignation proven utterly false if you initially scoffed at CBT. To any reasonable person that sounds like NO risk at all.
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on June 19, 1998
I read this book a few years ago during a major dry spell in my love life. It literally opened my eyes, and the result has been more confidence (and romance)! You'll find lots of great psychological insights here, ready to be put into action in your own life. This book is about love, and I LOVED this book. Read it yourself and watch your love life take off!
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